Wow, we had some tough questions last night. This post is a little more personal, but I think it is an important part of the adoption process, so I would like to share it. Our daughter has been home for almost 2 years now, she is 8 and a half years old. Since she came home, we have tried to talk about the Philippines and life before us, but she never wanted to talk about that stuff. In the past 6 months she has slowly started bringing up memories of living in the Children's Home, she talks about favorite foods and things they used to do for fun, very superficial.
Well, something struck her yesterday to start asking more questions. I don't know if it was something she watched on tv or what got her thinking. I found out after my conversation with her that she had been asking her brothers questions about being related to people and what the wait for her to come home was like, earlier in the afternoon.
I got home from work at 9pm and she was still awake, a lot of times she is already sleeping when I get home. I kissed her good night and she told me that she missed me while I was at work. Then she asked me if she has any brothers or sisters. I answered with of course, the two in the other room. She corrected me, ones in the Philippines.
This conversation is a memory, so parts are missing I'm sure. These are the highlights or the gist of the conversation.
Me: I don't know if you had any because your birth mom was very young when she had you and she may have had other children after you were born.
SM:How old was my mom?
Me: She was only 16 or 17 years old when she had you. It is a lot of work to take care of a baby when you are that young and have no money. She didn't have anyone to help her take care of you.
SM: Why did my mom get married so young?
Me: Well, you don't have to get married to have a baby. That is a conversation for another day.
SM: Tell me, tell me. I want to know.
Me: We can talk about that tomorrow.
SM: Daddy said that I was brought to the Children's Home when I was 6 months old.
Me: Yes, your birth mom tried to take care of you for 6 months and then decided she couldn't do everything she wanted for you. She was probably afraid that she couldn't even give you food or a house or anything else you needed. She brought you to Miss Debbie so that you would have everything you need. I'm sure that was really hard for her to do.
SM: I'm proud of my mom.
Me: We are happy that she was looking out for you also. That would be very hard to do and I'm sure it made her sad also.
SM: How old is my mom now? Where is she?
Me: She would be about 25 years old and we guess she still lives in the Philippines. We can look for her when you are over 18. Until then, we can talk about her and we can talk to adults we know that looked for their birth moms. She may be hard to find because we don't know much about her except her name. We don't know anything about your birth dad, so he would be even harder to find. We can look after you are 18.
SM: What is her name?
Me: C....
SM: Okay. Don't forget we're going to talk about how babies are made tomorrow.
Me: Oh no, I won't forget.
I'm hoping she forgets to ask how babies are made today. I don't know if I am ready for that conversation after last nights. There was more to the conversation because we talked about our wait for her. She told me that the aunties took good care of her and always made sure she was safe. We shouldn't have worried so much during those 6 months. I hope the conversation went the right way. It is such a scary thing because I could mess her up with a few misplaced words. I told Ryan all about the conversation so he would know what I said. He told me about the boys' conversation with her earlier in the evening. The main message we want to give her is that we all love her and we are so happy that she is our daughter/sister.
5 comments:
Those were some pretty tough questions, especially when they are out of the blue! It sounds like you did a great job in your response. Good luck with the "how are babies made question". I'm hoping I don't hear that one for years to come!! Thank you for sharing.
Wow, great answers! I'll be coming back to this one once Eze starts asking more questions about his adoption!
thanks for sharing this. It's amazing the things that trigger questions and thoughts in their minds. Jay-R has presented us with some tough questions, too. It sounds like you handled it well, and we want the same thing too for our son-to know he is loved and was loved, and his birth mommy did the best she knew how to at the time. Now, the thing I want to know...did you do the baby talk? Lol!
Of course she remembered to ask "how babies are made" first thing the next morning. I looked for some good books I bought a few years back, but they were all packed away (with a hope of moving some day). I did find one book, that she had read before, and we talked about it a little bit. I think she wanted a juicier version. I know I'll have to have the talk soon, I just want to have the right materials to help me. Raising a girl is SO DIFFERENT.
Thanks for sharing that, Julie. Every so often, we get more in-depth adoption questions from our girl. I relish the times but still sometimes feel anxious about the answers I give. But, I guess it's good practice for the more complex questions later. I think you did that discussion well.
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